How to Reduce Stress in the College Admissions Process

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Defusing Common Triggers of Stress

Helping your teen apply to college can be a stressful process for so many reasons. And yet, one of the best things you can do to help them is to be a source of calm. Grrr! 

So, I’ve devoted today’s blog post to admissions-related stress management for parents. This way, you can empower your teen to succeed (and stay sane in the process!).

One of the first methods of reducing stress is simply to identify it. The more we understand the causes of our stress responses, the more we can do to minimize them. Thankfully, the Centre for Studies on Human Stress has come up with a system that can help us do just that. They say the source of our stress boils down to four things, shown in the convenient acronym NUTS:

The college admissions process touches upon ALL of these sources of stress, so there’s no surprise that it’s a major pain point for parents of teens.  

Now for the fun part. Let’s learn more about each category and what we can do to stress less!

Novelty: The stress of encountering something new

For many parents, the college admissions process feels like a totally new animal. While you may remember the process from your teen years, so much has changed that the landscape can seem baffling. 

Added to this challenge, you are also facing a new stage in your relationship with your child, where they will encounter new decisions and challenges.

To avoid getting overwhelmed by Novelty-based stressors, try to narrow your focus:

• Find a limited number of trusted resources to guide you: a mentor, a how-to book, or a coach. Rather than following every new idea that comes your way, try to take in quality information more sparingly. Then, reflect thoroughly on how it applies to your own life. 
• Root yourself in your own strengths and capabilities, which are the sources of past success. They will still be there for you while you tackle this new adventure! If you know what works for you, you’ll be less overwhelmed by all the possibilities in front of you.

Unpredictability: The stress of not knowing what’s going to happen

Unpredictability is inherent in the admissions process. Despite the best efforts of parents, guidance counselors, and consultants, we can never really be 100% certain where an applicant is going to be admitted. Investing so much effort into a process with an uncertain outcome can take its toll on anyone. 

When facing Uncertainty-based stressors, it helps to envision multiple pathways to success.

• Define success more broadly than just one college or outcome, and help your teen do the same. For example, a broader goal may be to “gain admission to a rigorous engineering program at a college with a thriving arts scene.”
• Craft a diversified college list with several back up plans. The more robust our future options are, the more confident we can be of a positive outcome. 

Threat to the Ego: The stress of feeling your self-image in danger

For those of us that had wonderful college experiences, our own identity may feel intertwined with our alma mater. We are proud of our school; we are members for life. While this can be a very positive aspect in our lives, it also raises the stakes for the admissions process. Will your kid get into a school that defines them? 

The best remedy for Ego-based stress is to strengthen your sense of family identity outside of the admissions process.

• Spend some time reflecting on what makes your teen unique: what are their joys, passions, and quirks? (You can do this together under the guise of brainstorming possible college essay topics). These characteristics will remain the same regardless of the college they attend, so you can always refer back to them when you get carried away. 
• Think about your own academic and professional identity outside of your alma mater. What would have happened if you went to a different school? How else might you have thrived? Share that insight with your teen if you notice them getting too caught up in the stakes of going to their dream school.

Sense of Control: The stress of feeling powerless

This one is a doozy. The college admissions process can make you feel powerless to control your teen’s fate, precisely when the stakes seem the highest. You might be tempted to compensate for this feeling by exerting control over the application process itself–by setting deadlines, revising drafts, and insisting additional schools be added to the list–but often these actions can work against your aims.

Exerting control over the application process is a slippery slope, indeed. You risk stepping on your teen’s sense of control–and inadvertently causing them more stress!

The key to addressing Control-based stress is to find outlets for control that don’t impinge upon your teen’s growing independence.

• View the process in the spirit of partnership. Work with your teen to agree on what forms of support are most helpful for them. They may feel daunted with planning college visits and really appreciate your help there, even if they’d prefer some space while they write the early drafts of their college essays. You won’t quite know what they need until you ask! [For more advice on how to offer help so that your teen will accept it, watch our recent webinar].
• Think about your goals for yourself during the admissions process and be sure to separate them from your teen’s goal. For example, their goal may be centered on being admitted to college, but one of your goals could be to “foster confidence in their ability to make big life decisions.” That way you can control actions related to your goals without trying to control them.

What Can You Do?

So, when you notice that you are feeling stressed (heart pounding, tensing muscles, sweating, etc.), try asking yourself “What is causing my stress right now?” Just the process of reflection should help a bit. Then you can take one of the action steps listed above to further address it. 

You can never completely eliminate stress from such a major life transition, but there’s a lot you can do to manage it so that you can focus on the opportunity for growth that all of this hard work represents. 

If you’d like some help with managing your stress about the college application process, don’t hesitate to reach out for a free 30-minute consult call.