5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Undermining Your Teen’s College Applications

1. Perfectionism

It’s understandable that the high stakes of college admissions could inspire perfectionism in any parent. When your teen is under a microscope, it’s easy to fixate on the damage that mistakes might cause.

However, when we zoom out a bit, we can see that perfectionism causes more harm than good.

From a purely strategic standpoint, being flawless just doesn’t work as an application strategy. Perfect is boring. When your teen is spending all their energy trying to avoid mistakes, they fail to explore the very things that make them unique. This stems from a common misconception that ‘mistakes’ or ‘flaws’ are what lead to admissions rejections. (Nope! At highly selective schools, rejection is the norm–you have to do something bold to flip the switch to admit).

The best way for your teen to show the admissions committees that they are a real, authentic person is to show themselves, warts and all!  This is tough to do when they feel pressure from their parents to conform to an ideal of perfection.

If you are interested in learning more about perfectionism and how to combat it, I’d recommend this comprehensive review of the topic, which includes a wealth of resources and worksheets. I especially appreciate the Expecting Perfectionism From Others worksheet, which can bring to light ways you may be applying perfectionist standards to your teen. 

For further reading, Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection is a delight. 

2. Fear of Failure

Related to perfectionism, the fear of failure or rejection can hinder a potential applicant.

It’s understandable that we don’t want our kids to hurt and we’ll do anything we can to keep them from the sting of rejection. However, that instinct is doing more harm than good, especially during the college application process. 

Taking a cue from their parents, teens can become obsessed with whether or not they’ll get into a college, rather than thinking about the important questions: Am I ready for College? What will I do when I get there? How can I thrive there? I’ve worked with students who don’t feel like they can make progress on their applications because they are obsessed with the question of whether or not they will get in.

Furthermore, succumbing to a fear of failure shuts down opportunities. Teens may not reach for their dreams, and could thus miss out on great opportunities for growth. Some parents will push Early Decision as a way to forestall the possibility of failure, even if their kid doesn’t feel ready to make that choice. 

And finally, it creates shame around something that is an unavoidable part of life. Ultimately, failure is only as difficult as you make it. If you are having negative reactions to it, you may be passing that shame onto your kids. 

If you are interested in learning more about the fear of failure and how to combat it, I’d recommend this comprehensive review of the topic, which includes a wealth of resources. I especially appreciate the Willingness, Goals, and Action Plan worksheet, which can help you and your teen see past the fear of failure to achieve goals.

For further reading, check out Jessica Lahey’s The Gift of Failure.

3. Preoccupation with Status

It is understandable that you want your kid to succeed – for them to have the means to flourish, be respected in their community, become adept at their work, and achieve financial security.

The problem is that we all tend to overestimate the role that prestigious universities play in this process. When we are fixated on the name brand of a college, we are focusing on status more than success, and it comes with several drawbacks.

The paradox here is that kids need to learn intrinsic motivation in order to be truly successful. However, people whose goals focus exclusively on status rarely achieve this type of motivation. They are stuck seeking external rewards, don’t persist as long through challenges, and are less satisfied with their work. 

Building intrinsic motivation comes from understanding one’s core values and making sure that goals are aligned with them. Then finding joy in learning, improving, and growing keeps the motivation alive. 

If you are interested in shifting your values away from social status, I’d recommend the following worksheets:  Setting Valued Goals and Mind the Gap.

And, on the off-chance you aren’t convinced that a preoccupation with status is a problem, I’d recommend Jennifer Breheny Wallace’s Never Enough. It’s a sobering depiction of the damage that status-obsessed achievement culture can wreak on teens.

4. Exerting Too Much Control

One of the great challenges of raising teens is the ever-shifting balance of who’s in charge. As teens charge ahead toward adulthood, it’s natural for them to crave independence and autonomy. And it’s just as natural for parents to resort to controlling behaviors to keep them safe, to keep them on track, and to keep them close. 

However, exerting too much control over your teen can have negative consequences, especially in the college application process. 

For one, applying to college can be really stressful for teens. Research shows that in stressful situations, taking control out of someone’s hands is actually a recipe for anxiety. Face it–this is a BIG stage for your kid and the more in control they feel of the process, the better they’ll be able to manage it emotionally.

Furthermore, if your teen doesn’t start taking charge of their life now–while you are close by for support–they will lose out on the practice they need to become a competent adult. It’s time for you to practice nudging them forward into more responsibility and independence. 

If you’ve acknowledged that you need to cede more control to your teen but are finding it difficult, check out these resources: an article on Understanding Spheres of Influence, Concern, and Control and the related Control, Influence, Accept Model worksheet.

If you’re not yet convinced of the importance of ceding control in your teen’s life, I highly encourage you to read William Stixrud and Ned Johnson: The Self-Driven Child. 

5. A Defeatist Mindset

College admissions have become increasingly competitive and, for many, disheartening. It’s totally understandable that you may feel a sense of dread or hopelessness about the process. 

Two major things you can do to combat this defeatist mindset are 1) clarifying your locus of control and 2) cultivating hope. (Contrary to popular belief, hope is something that can be purposefully expanded. And when it is, it has incredible lifelong benefits.)

Although you are trying to help your teen, it is important to understand how crucial modeling your own hopefulness can be for your teen. Here are some Activities and Worksheets to get you started.

For further reading, check out my blog post: “How the College Application Process Can Change Our Teen’s Outlook on Hope (for the Better).”

Are you susceptible to any of these parenting pitfalls? Take our quiz to find out!